my life is in such a confusion right now... andming pasuspense....
anyways, while i was browsing my fb... i read a note from my friend's wife, Jezryl... we aren't close... i don't even know if she knows me... but her notes really moved me... in tears... this is the note:
It is still so fresh in my memory how our journey started. It was late night when an unknown number appeared in my “inbox.” The unknown sender was asking for my schedule. I asked for “the name,” and the sender said he’s “Norman Dacuycuy” of “ECESS,” (a school organization where all ECE students must join to; he was the Vice-President). He asked me as to when would I be passing my RF, I then replied, “Okay, I’m giving it tomorrow. Goodnight.”
The following day, together with Jobelle, I handed him my RF (Registration Form). He was with his friends and they were all noisy; laughing and chit-chatting. When we left he just said, “Thank you”.
Never did I realize that the “friendship” (my friendship with him-Norman), started to bloom, we had our “tandem day”. I find it cute as to how we had talk everyday. I always found myself laughing whenever he would crack jokes. We always shared stories and errands. We were both so happy being together. We would hang out together whenever we had the same vacant schedules. Little did we know that we’re actually in-love, thus we had decided our tandem to step up to a higher level.
Our relationship had been through trials, and we’re happy that despite all, it was going fine and was sailing smoothly. We both realized this, “it’s been quite a time since we’ve been together.”
Just like in every story played in a theater, ours had its plot. The plot would go from the exposition, to the rising action, to the climax, to the falling action, and finally, to the resolution. Our love story had its own “climax” - when we learned that we are going to have our baby. We were so excited about it; we’ve planned ahead of so many beautiful things.
It was a joyful thing for us that we had such plot, until 6 weeks before my due date. Out of nowhere he uttered the words “Jez, I can’t love you forever”. His statement shattered me; I never showed him how his words caused me unbearable pain. I was a good actress for I never showed that I was weakened with his words.
I asked him fiercely, “Why now? After all we’ve gone through, how come you’re saying that to me now?!” We were both crying, suddenly he answered, “In this world there’s no such thing as forever, Jez. Malay mo kaya ko nasabi yun kasi baka mawala na ako, hindi natin alam baka bukas mawala na ako, mamatay ako ganun”. After he said that, there was silence. We mutually forgot that night – the almost ferocious night that merely caused me to fall to pieces.
“March 25, Zoe was born.” We’re both so happy being together and being the parents of our little angel. We just continued our plans. I went back to school to finish my studies and he worked hard to sustain our baby’s needs. Things happening to us were not easy at all, but we were still happy for how the things fall into their places.
Our story had its fall. No matter how we wanted to be happy forever when a thing was meant to happen, it would happen.
It was November of 2009 when I, him and Zoe were having a quality family bonding time, “Kamusta ka naman?”, he said, “okay naman” I answered. He then added, “No, I am asking did you meet someone that makes you happy na. ‘yung mga boss mong nakilala mo sa OJT mo, may bf ka ba dun?” I could have said yes to make him jealous, but I just can’t lie to him. I then just said, “Wala, hindi ako interesado. May ibang nasa isip ko.”
Though some words were left unspoken he got my message and told me that, “Jez, kelangan mo mag-grow bilang ikaw, hindi ako yun lalaki na makakapagbigay ng kaligayahan mo. Maiintindihan mo rin soon. Tanggapin na lang natin, masakit pero love left us already.”
I was crying hard, and he was embracing me. “I’m sorry I can’t explain what’s happening to me now. Soon Jez, maiintindihan mo din kung bakit ko sinasabi sa’yo ‘to. Hindi ko maipaliwanag eh, pero may makikilala ka na tao na magmamahal sa’yo sa paraang tama para sa pagmamahal mo. Lagi mo lang tatandaan na hindi lahat nang nakikita mo, at naririnig mo totoo. Matalino ka Jez, kaya alam kong kaya mo na.”
Maybe I had separation anxiety. Leaving my comfort zone and the things I was attached with was the hardest thing for me to do. I kept holding on, I made myself believe that one day, the love we felt the first time we have had fallen in love would come back. For him, seeing me holding on made him really sad. I must meet someone as he always insisted.
There was a time Gladys, his best friend, told me to let go and that I was still young and pretty. Gladys told me that Norman was not worth it for me. I tried reflecting, and I found out the reason why I couldn’t let go was that I didn’t do the things that I did against my feelings.
So, I kept holding on, until he made a way. He knew so well the thing I was intolerable of, and that prompted me to let go. Maybe, that was his way to make me move on, and until now, I still believe that it was.
I decided not to show how much I had been devastated by his death. I tried to be strong, I concealed all my feelings. I did not cry out loud, because I didn’t want other people to bother and care for me the moment he’s gone. Thanks to my pretensions, I made them believe that I had moved on fast and had accepted reality by just an instant glance!
I went out with my friends, hung – out and had drink with them. Whenever they asked me how was I, I’d tell them, “I’m fine, I’m not alone. He gave me Zoe.” But behind those lovely smiles and boisterous laughter when I’m with them; my heart lamented in so much pain.
These were his father’s words, “Siguro yun relasyon niyo ni Eric, ‘di talaga nakalaan para sa inyo. Masyado niyong minadali. Ipinilit niyo na kayo pero may iba pa palang plano ang Panginoon”. His words did hit me tremendously, but that’s reality – it bites. But my faith’s strong; I believe that it was already written by Him in my “book of life” and thus His will be done. I dare now to say, that “ours should be that way and must end that way.”
His parent’s advised me that I should not be trapped to my relationship with him. They told me that I was still young and intelligent; that somewhere out there, maybe, God had destined another man to be with me. They said that when that moment would come to happen, I should not ignore it nor hold back, because it would be a folly to fight against the plan He had.
Looking back to my experiences, I may not be that strong enough to handle things but I know that deep within me, I am far from better now. I am not saying that I am ready to face another difficult time, but I know I can handle things far more beyond my understanding.
The night before Norman left us; I kissed him, hugged him tight, and I said to him that I love him so much. I thought I’ve had done that, but oh, how I wish I could have done that! Lesson learned, “no one ever knows when, where, what, or “WHO” will be taken from us, so, while one’s loved ones are still here, do show love as much as one can.
I’ve had been silent about the pain I had been hiding inside me for a long time, and that made some people say that I have had never grieved over my loss – “Norman.”
For those who didn’t really know me, they’d judge me. They’d always have had a say as to how I live my life, handle things, and reacted when “my Man” had gone,
I didn’t care. All I could say to them – “Go ahead, and keep talking!” I just wish that they would find happiness in doing such. For the people whom I care about and continuously care for me, who consistently asked how I was really, I know they know how I really felt.
The people who really knew me were those who opted to believe I was fine, but underneath the actions I had been showing them, they knew that I was not, in any way, fine.
An absurd reality, but it is with this day that I see myself okay. I still love you but I have to live my life without you – “Norman.” We have and had a love that’s true. From now on, I will not be blue. Our “tandem day” will be forever cherished and remembered.
> i don't know all the details of their marriage, but i know some... norman told it to me before... not so detailed, but i think, enough to understand her wife's note... maybe at that time im being biased to norman, because he is my friend.... never i know, the feelings of his other half...
i was really moved by her note... i felt the love, the pain... and the needed strength to move on...
Jezryl, you may not know me... but i really salute you... for being a strong woman, mother and wife... move on now... Mamen wants you to be happy... :)
